Quality of Life

        How often do we think about this phrase?  What does it mean to you?  It has been used all too often lately in my life about my very sick daughter.  Her cancer has come back, she had about a year since the last round of chemotherapy treatments.  The treatments were very difficult for her, she has been sick ever since and today may have been the first day we can say she may  have finally taken a small turn toward some improvement.  It's what she's facing that brings about this urge to blog after such a long time of not doing so.  I'm not sure she understands the choices she will be facing.  We're to meet with a group of doctors and medical personnel, possible as soon as tomorrow, and see if we can make her understand her choices here.  She has been very stubborn about doing what they want her to do, sadly the only one that will suffer from all that obstinacy is her.  So without bogging you all down with more details, we are basically looking at a couple of choices:  Either she does what they tell her to do without wavering one little tiny bit, or she's looking at something like six months to a year to live.  It seems simple, doesn't it?  Are you saying, well, duh, just do what you are told....
But then, it's her choice, isn't it?  Having spent most of a month in a hospital after just one round of chemo, does it get worse?  After the next week long dose, will she be even more sick than the first time?  If we get through that session, will the third time be three times as bad?  And so, back to the origin of this blog, what does it mean to you?  We all deserve a certain degree of quality to our lives. Is there a point where someone else can make that decision for us?  If we aren't doing harm to others, or unable to make any kind of decision about anything, then yes, there may be a need for someone else to step in.  But it's our right, isn't it, as long as we're of sound mind?  I'm afraid of the answer to that, afraid of her answer, also of my own if I'm ever in that position.  It's scary out there sometimes.

    

        It's been so long since I posted in here, I've almost forgotten how....There are so many things to say, I don't even know where to start.
     Holidays; an equal dose of sadness and happiness all on one plate.  For those who have lost family, be they two or four legged, and/or friends, this isn't the most wonderful time of the year.  For those of us lucky enough to still have those loved ones near, it's an easier time to endure. 
      There are those of us that stand in the middle of these two choices, we've lost and we've loved and the holidays bring all those emotions to the forefront.  How we handle this conflict allows us to take measure of ourselves.  There are far too many examples of those that cannot bear to face their own frailties, just listen to the news and watch as the shock and sorrow play across the faces of the world.  Most of us have some kind of built in right and wrong system that rises and falls as the need arises. 
      So, who and what have failed those that cannot cope?  What have we lost or not searched for in our fellow humans that their scream for help, somewhere along the line, was not heard?   Have we stopped listening?  Are we all so busy with the chores of life that our compassion has been slid under the carpet? 
        I have no answer, I have briefly stood in the space where my anger almost ruled my world and the desire to punish anyone was first in my mind.  Somehow, I was able to resist, I could have been one of these tortured souls that are dominating the news these days.  Do each of us have the ability to do this?  Please understand, I'm not bragging by any means, I strive to understand how we got here.  Perhaps we all need to take a few moments each day to gather ones' wits and be thankful not to be in that space of grayness that begins to blur the edges of our reason.

   I have joined the ranks of the  walking dead, or at least, I feel that way.  Actually even the 'walking' part of that is incorrect, sad to say.  I have spent a total of seven days, eight hours a day, with a phone attached to my ear trying to contact CA's employment department.  I have it down to less than two minutes per call and as soon as the rejection comes, I hang up and dial again.  That's what, thirty calls per hour?  Even before the clock strikes 8 a.m. I am there with my new appendage stuck to my ear, dialing madly only to be told 'due to the amount of callers waiting to talk to an associate, we are unable to assist you at this time. Please call back later'  Later than what?  Can we say ultra frustrated?  The real pain of it is, they are holding up my unemployment until this is done.  I can't leave my house, I have spoken with the three different times and they tell me the problem is solved, when indeed, it is NOT.  It's no wonder to me that people snap and do terrible things, and it is so sad that it is an issue at all.  It is definitely a lesson in patience, I have no choice in this matter, I have to get this resolved.  So today, and likely tomorrow, look no further than the end of the telephone cord to find me.  The only good thing is that I am able to do my quilling between dialing the numbers.  It just would be nice to have this done and over with!  Thanks for letting me vent!

May 27th

Happy Birthday son, although, it's another one you're not here to celebrate.  You would be 46 today and it's hard for me to imagine what you would be like by now.  For the last 18 years, my imagination and my memories are all I have of you.  I don't cry as often, today may be the exception to that, for I still miss you with all my heart and soul.  At the very least, you don't have to suffer anymore, at least I hope you don't.  Sometimes the very drudgery of this world drags at the edges of my conciousness and threatens to pull me into the depths, where depair and hopelessness rule supreme.  I hope that you have none of that, wherever you may be.  I hope that you have found peace and are happy.

I love you Stephen........

Where did they go?

    I started my day out this morning in a pretty decent mood; we took a drive to Salem, Bill, my sister-in-law and I.  We stopped at a McDonald's for a pit stop and a bite to eat and that's when the decency of the day got stomped on.  I was standing at the counter waiting for my biscuit and a rather disheveled looking man came up to the counter and asked if he could get a cup of coffee for his friend.  The ever so charming woman, who didn't even acknowledge me as a customer, rudely said to him, "are you going to pay for it?"
       I didn't hear his reply, but it was pretty obvious he was unable to do that.  I turned from the counter to go to the car for some more money and told him," just a minute, I'll get  you some coffee.  It's a sad day when one human being can't even get a civil reply, much less a f**kng cup of coffee on a cold morning"   I was angry at the way she treated him, it was obvious to me she hadn't missed too many meals, or had to ask for someone to get her a cup of coffee.  I'm no Twiggy, but damn,  I don't flaunt that I have something that someone else doesn't.  I don't have a lot of money, but I share when I can.  She was flat out rude to him, maybe homeless people bother her, maybe it takes away from her talk on the phone time, or try to look busy when one really isn't, time.  I don't know, what her problem was, but apparently the days of kindness and customer service have gone the way of the Edsel. 
      We bought him and his friend each a dollar sandwich and coffee, they thanked us profusely, and we went on our way this morning knowing at least a couple of guys didn't have to start their day with their stomachs growling.
       I intend to contact McDonald's also, I think they should know that they have the wicked witch of the west working in one of their food joints.  I ache for those with less than me, I don't have a lot, but I do have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in each night.  I don't go hungry, I don't fear for my life each night, and I don't wonder what the hell happened that I worked most of my life and here I am pushing the last of my belongings around in a shopping cart.  Why can't we fix this problem?  Why are there families out there with no where to go?  I see empty buildings all over the place, why will no one step up and say here, here is a place for you until you get on your feet.  Oh politics, yeah, yeah.........sigh, I know, but what about goodness and compassion?  Where did they go?

Early Morning........

         If you weren't up early this morning, this is part of the show that you missed, it was quite lovely.   Early mornings are my favorite part of the day because they belong to just me.  I can go out in the garage, where my quilling supplies are, and step into a cozy, separate other world where no one disturbs me.  No tv blaring, no one demanding something from me, or asking me to do something for them; it gives me time to refresh and revive before anyone else gets up. 
         I sometimes hate being myself, I sometimes feel like salt water taffy, being pulled in half a dozen directions simultaneously.  I hate feeling like the only one that gets anything done, I hate being the motivating force for everything....if I'm not right on top of things, nothing gets done.  Is it that no one wants the responsibility?  Is it that they're just too damn lazy to get up and do for themselves?  Is it that I have made them dependent upon me and now the bill has come due?  I have done that, somewhere back in the past, I guess it seemed to be a good idea.  Now that it's that way all the time, I am hating the whole concept. I'm older and more tired, and feel so much like something is missing from my life.  I think my quilling is about the only thing these days keeping me anchored.  Have you seen it?

        It gives me such pleasure and I'm so glad that years back I made the decision to walk down this path.  I know somewhere out there is a niche for me, all I need to do is find someone that loves it as much as me. 

          Well, as  I am often aught to say,  either get busy livin', or get busy dyin'.  Our lives are what we make them, so only I can change what goes on with me.  Time to start saying no once in a while.  I can't be everything, I can just be me.

I'm wondering why.........

      I find myself in awe of the level of stupidity that advertisers try to shovel down our throats each and every day.  What triggered this slap to the face for the day is the Pizza Hut commercial for the ten dollar meal deal that is only ten bucks........at what point in time did ten dollars and ten bucks become two separate entities?  I do my best to mute all commercials, but every once in a while, someone else has the remote and I have to listen to the crap.  I can figure most things out, but this one is a total stumper to me.  How can they embarrass themselves that much.  Now mind you, I LIKE Pizza Hut pizza and patronize them when we're able to afford it, but they're pushing all the wrong buttons for me with this one. 
    The next one on my list is that horrific cereal commercial, I'm thinking it's Cinnamon Toast Squares.  It has a square of cereal sitting on the edge of a bowl, extending it's tongue out into the bowl of milk.  It 'catches' a square of cereal and eats it.  If I were a small child, this would absolutely terrify me.  If I came out into my kitchen and saw that box on my table, I'd run screaming as far and as fast away from that scary thing as I could.......
     Do the people that make these things really believe that we're breaking our legs to run out and buy a ten dollar/buck meals and/or cannibalistic cereal squares?  Is it possible that we have sunk so low or have just become so apathetic, that inane has become the soup of the day, so to speak? Does this bother anyone else? 
     We bought a bottle of garlic powder a few days ago, standard size bottle, maybe four or five inches tall, opened it up and it was barely filled to the halfway mark.  I emailed the company, basically asking how they had the nerve to do that.   This was their reply:                     


"We sell all our products by weight (as noted on the bottle). To keep our costs low and deliver them to the consumer, we use a standard jar size for ALL of our products. Therefore, those spices with low
bulk density (i.e. Basil leaves, Italian seasoning, Oregano) require more
room to make the fill weight. Those that are heavier will only fill the same
jar partially, giving the appearance of a "low fill". This is also to have a
uniform jar size and appearance on the store shelves"

      So there, you dumb shit, we don't care about the environment, the senselessness of using a bottle that is less than half full, (or is it half empty?)  As long as it looks good on the shelves, what the hell?  Maybe my lack of sleep it finally catching up with me, maybe this is a lot of ado about nothing, but it is just one of those nights that the small shit bothers me.......
      I have no answers, I'm feeling that 'what can one person do' feeling creeping into my brain, so maybe it's time for bed.  If I manage four hours it's a good night.  Somewhere along the line my body says four hours is enough.  Sigh.......