The act of patronization.......

Patronize:           to act in an offensively superior manner toward   

This "act" is number one on my list of how NOT to treat me.  I believe myself to be a relatively intelligent person and abhor being treated like I am stupid.  My daughter and I had a bit of a confrontation yesterday and I walked out, angry and refusing to discuss what happened any further with her.  I stewed about it most of the day, because it bothered me on so many levels.  Early this morning I checked my emails and there was a comment from a kind person about one of my blogs.  I came in here and thanked them for their kind words and went through a few other of my blogs.  To make a long explanation short, I need to practice what I preach.  Life is way too short to spend it angry, and, should something happen, the last time you spend with anyone should not be an angry time. 

I grew up afraid of my father, he was an angry man, and I just assumed he was angry with me.  I somehow came to the conclusion that if I had been born a boy, things would have been better between us.  I tried my best, I worked hard at being that boy, but it was never good enough.  I understand now why he was so unhappy, I made sure of that, before he passed away, that things between us were peaceful.  It was a purely selfish motive on my part, and I honestly can't say that he died with any less pain in his heart about our relationship, but I tried. 

So I will call my daughter today, whatever happened yesterday is now dust in the wind.  She will hopefully learn from the gift I lay before her, for anytime one learns to be a better person, it is a gift.  I don't want to be like my father, I don't want to live estranged from my family because I don't know how to swallow my pride and extend my hand in love.  We don't know how long we will be here, and it behooves us to appreciate our lives each and every day. 

RIP

       I guess it really is true, money doesn't buy happiness.  Whitney Houston passed a few days ago, taking one of the loveliest voices to grace our airways with her.  I don't have any tapes, cds, or dvds of hers, I wasn't an avid follower, but it doesn't make the axiom any less true.  From where I sit, she seemed to "have it all" and yet, apparently, the one thing she didn't have was happiness.
      So, what does that tell us;  or me, as the case may be.  No mansions and jets, no diamonds and jewels dripping off of me, no chauffeur waiting outside, or bodyguards at my beck and call.  Instead, each day is a challenge, as to how to get through.  It's a roller coaster ride of laughter and tears, battles won and lost and highs and lows as we careen around the curves life gives us. 
       "A mother lost a daughter, and a daughter lost a mother"  I have to wonder how many times a day this happens, all over the world.  Just because you have the voice of an angel, are you missed any more or less?  It hurts like the devil, regardless of fame and/or fortune.  My heart goes out to mother and daughter alike, I've lost both a mother and a child, and there are far too many who have experienced the same devastating drama.  The sense of loss is just as heartbreaking, rich or poor doesn't affect the outcome, we all grieve in our own way. 
         Rest in peace, lovely lady; you will be missed, but keep your perception wide focused.  Too many parents and children awake each day with the weight of personal loss on their hearts.  Love each other while we are here, don't waste any of your day being angry or spiteful.  Our last moment spent with one another should not be one we regret, or wish we could change.  Life is fleeting.......

Retrospect

     Did anyone watch NCIS last night?  I like the program most of the time, have been known to watch the reruns when they do the marathons, but last night really bothered me.  I ended up hitting mute and coming over here to the computer to do anything that would take my eyes away from the tv screen.  He, Gibbs, got to talk to the dead last night and I have to say I just hate those kind of shows.  NCIS writers certainly aren't the first to build a story around this concept, but it was especially irritating to me last night. 
      It may be my emotions are a little more raw these days as we just recently found out my daughter has cancer.  We are still waiting on the results as to what kind and what stage it is at, but I'm having difficulty dealing with all this.  I've lost my other child already, well, he was 28, hardly a child, but to me age wasn't the issue.  I've lost my mom, if you follow my blogs, you know this already too.  I understand on an intellectual level that this is how it works for most of us; as we age, we begin to lose our friends and family.  What chips at my heart is that we aren't supposed to outlive our children.  At least, that's what I thought, there are hundreds of thousands of us out here that know that's not how it works.  Wars, drugs, accidents, arguments, craziness with a gun in their hand; all this and more contribute to the family members left behind.  You see them on the news, eyes glazed, a piece of their hearts turned to dust as the realization sets in.
     I know I should end this in an upbeat manner, but I'm just not feeling that yet.  Whatever the news is, and it will likely come today sometime, I am still reeling from the initial shock of the whole situation.  The NCIS program brought a lot of feelings to the surface last night, anger, I think first and foremost, because it's just not true, at least for me.  I didn't get to tell my son and my mom good bye, both of them were gone too soon. 
      I can only tell you to appreciate each day, even if it's a lousy one, and remember to stop and smell the roses each and everyday.  It's a bit of advice my mom used to give me and I could have done a better job at it.  Retrospect is certainly 20/20. 

Organized.......NOT!

      I scramble through this ever present stack of notes in front of me, shaking my head and wondering why I ever thought this kind of 'system' would work!  Write it down and leave it lay amonst the plethora of other little notes given the same fate.  I'm looking for a particular piece of paper that I am having a battle in my head about.  'I hope I find it/I hope I don't find it' kind of struggle rages in my brain.  It is a phone nimber, I'm seeking, for the doctor that just recently informed me that my daughter has cancer. 
    I lapse into a vacuum of sorts, surrounded by a myriad of thoughts.  I only gave birth to two children, I have two other boys I raised that call me 'mom', and I love them as my own.  My son was killed in a car accident 18 years ago, so now I wonder, will I outlive both of my babies.  It just feels so wrong somehow, as much as I miss my  mom, that is how things are supposed to occur.  You grow up, your parents age, and sadly, somewhere along the way, they pass. 
     There is still much to be learned about my daughter and her condition.  We don't know more than we know, although what we do know is devastating to all.  My intelligent side knows they have made great strides in the treatment of cancer, people are living longer and cures are constantly being researched and discovered.  My emotional side is still reeling; I can't help but think odd things like what the hell did I do wrong to get all this crap dumped in my lap?  That's how low I can sink when I'm handed news I don't want to get.  It isn't about me at all, so I need to shake that nonsense off and follow with my favorite quote from The Shawshank Redemption:
GET BUSY LIVIN' OR GET BUSY DYING.
      As Bill told her you have cancer, cancer doesn't have you, unless you give in to it.  He knows of what he speaks, having been through the diagnosis, surgery and radiation treatment himself.  The death knell tolls only if you refuse to get busy living and fill your head with thoughts of living and what life has to offer. 
       So I have now managed to locate that elusive piece of paper, and as soon as it's a resonable time of day, I will call and ask my questions about treatments, options, prognosis, etc.  I will make it through this and stay in the wonder of what tomorrow will bring.

Rain

The rain  comes down
We run with glee...
Splashing, laughing
feeling so free.

Child & Mother
equal in age,
for that brief time
A storybook page.

The crystalline drops
fly to and fro.
We reach to the sky
then to earth below.

A memory captured
Childhood redone,
Moments so fleeting
Treasured as one.

Beauty

     I'm pretty sure that this morning is the first time in my life I have ever awakened to snow outside my windows.  It is an incredibly beautiful sight, when I first looked out early this a.m. nothing had sullied the panorama I beheld.  White bedecked the trees and bushes along the tips, creating such a delight to my eyes.  No tire tracks or footprints, just a sea of crystalline beauty.

    

      The weather predictors told us this was coming.  I made sure we went to the store yesterday for whatever we might need.  As lovely as this is, I don't particularly want to be driving in it.  We don't have chains or snow tires, so we'll be staying in for a while today.  Good day to devote to chores that need our attention.  Good day for baking, or making a pot of soup.  Our wood stove will be busy today too, keeping us snug and comfy. 
     
       I try to wake each morning with a fresh and positive look on life, this view gave me a new reason to smile.  I wish it could be so for everyone, but I know that won't be the case for a myriad of reasons.  Hope springs eternal that some day each and everyone of us awakes with love in our hearts, a positive outlook and wishes that come true.

    

Quilling

Quilling, is, for me
a great opportunity
to let my mind run free
allow all 'stuff' to be.

Quilling is my time
a moment so sublime.
High hopes do climb
I can make this all rhyme!

Quilling fills my heart,
takes me worlds apart
creating is a start
of a beautiful art.

Quilling keeps me sane,
laziness is my bane.
Let flowers ease the pain,
and desire never wane.