Organized.......NOT!

      I scramble through this ever present stack of notes in front of me, shaking my head and wondering why I ever thought this kind of 'system' would work!  Write it down and leave it lay amonst the plethora of other little notes given the same fate.  I'm looking for a particular piece of paper that I am having a battle in my head about.  'I hope I find it/I hope I don't find it' kind of struggle rages in my brain.  It is a phone nimber, I'm seeking, for the doctor that just recently informed me that my daughter has cancer. 
    I lapse into a vacuum of sorts, surrounded by a myriad of thoughts.  I only gave birth to two children, I have two other boys I raised that call me 'mom', and I love them as my own.  My son was killed in a car accident 18 years ago, so now I wonder, will I outlive both of my babies.  It just feels so wrong somehow, as much as I miss my  mom, that is how things are supposed to occur.  You grow up, your parents age, and sadly, somewhere along the way, they pass. 
     There is still much to be learned about my daughter and her condition.  We don't know more than we know, although what we do know is devastating to all.  My intelligent side knows they have made great strides in the treatment of cancer, people are living longer and cures are constantly being researched and discovered.  My emotional side is still reeling; I can't help but think odd things like what the hell did I do wrong to get all this crap dumped in my lap?  That's how low I can sink when I'm handed news I don't want to get.  It isn't about me at all, so I need to shake that nonsense off and follow with my favorite quote from The Shawshank Redemption:
GET BUSY LIVIN' OR GET BUSY DYING.
      As Bill told her you have cancer, cancer doesn't have you, unless you give in to it.  He knows of what he speaks, having been through the diagnosis, surgery and radiation treatment himself.  The death knell tolls only if you refuse to get busy living and fill your head with thoughts of living and what life has to offer. 
       So I have now managed to locate that elusive piece of paper, and as soon as it's a resonable time of day, I will call and ask my questions about treatments, options, prognosis, etc.  I will make it through this and stay in the wonder of what tomorrow will bring.