It's been so long since I posted in here, I've almost forgotten how....There are so many things to say, I don't even know where to start.
     Holidays; an equal dose of sadness and happiness all on one plate.  For those who have lost family, be they two or four legged, and/or friends, this isn't the most wonderful time of the year.  For those of us lucky enough to still have those loved ones near, it's an easier time to endure. 
      There are those of us that stand in the middle of these two choices, we've lost and we've loved and the holidays bring all those emotions to the forefront.  How we handle this conflict allows us to take measure of ourselves.  There are far too many examples of those that cannot bear to face their own frailties, just listen to the news and watch as the shock and sorrow play across the faces of the world.  Most of us have some kind of built in right and wrong system that rises and falls as the need arises. 
      So, who and what have failed those that cannot cope?  What have we lost or not searched for in our fellow humans that their scream for help, somewhere along the line, was not heard?   Have we stopped listening?  Are we all so busy with the chores of life that our compassion has been slid under the carpet? 
        I have no answer, I have briefly stood in the space where my anger almost ruled my world and the desire to punish anyone was first in my mind.  Somehow, I was able to resist, I could have been one of these tortured souls that are dominating the news these days.  Do each of us have the ability to do this?  Please understand, I'm not bragging by any means, I strive to understand how we got here.  Perhaps we all need to take a few moments each day to gather ones' wits and be thankful not to be in that space of grayness that begins to blur the edges of our reason.

   I have joined the ranks of the  walking dead, or at least, I feel that way.  Actually even the 'walking' part of that is incorrect, sad to say.  I have spent a total of seven days, eight hours a day, with a phone attached to my ear trying to contact CA's employment department.  I have it down to less than two minutes per call and as soon as the rejection comes, I hang up and dial again.  That's what, thirty calls per hour?  Even before the clock strikes 8 a.m. I am there with my new appendage stuck to my ear, dialing madly only to be told 'due to the amount of callers waiting to talk to an associate, we are unable to assist you at this time. Please call back later'  Later than what?  Can we say ultra frustrated?  The real pain of it is, they are holding up my unemployment until this is done.  I can't leave my house, I have spoken with the three different times and they tell me the problem is solved, when indeed, it is NOT.  It's no wonder to me that people snap and do terrible things, and it is so sad that it is an issue at all.  It is definitely a lesson in patience, I have no choice in this matter, I have to get this resolved.  So today, and likely tomorrow, look no further than the end of the telephone cord to find me.  The only good thing is that I am able to do my quilling between dialing the numbers.  It just would be nice to have this done and over with!  Thanks for letting me vent!

May 27th

Happy Birthday son, although, it's another one you're not here to celebrate.  You would be 46 today and it's hard for me to imagine what you would be like by now.  For the last 18 years, my imagination and my memories are all I have of you.  I don't cry as often, today may be the exception to that, for I still miss you with all my heart and soul.  At the very least, you don't have to suffer anymore, at least I hope you don't.  Sometimes the very drudgery of this world drags at the edges of my conciousness and threatens to pull me into the depths, where depair and hopelessness rule supreme.  I hope that you have none of that, wherever you may be.  I hope that you have found peace and are happy.

I love you Stephen........

Where did they go?

    I started my day out this morning in a pretty decent mood; we took a drive to Salem, Bill, my sister-in-law and I.  We stopped at a McDonald's for a pit stop and a bite to eat and that's when the decency of the day got stomped on.  I was standing at the counter waiting for my biscuit and a rather disheveled looking man came up to the counter and asked if he could get a cup of coffee for his friend.  The ever so charming woman, who didn't even acknowledge me as a customer, rudely said to him, "are you going to pay for it?"
       I didn't hear his reply, but it was pretty obvious he was unable to do that.  I turned from the counter to go to the car for some more money and told him," just a minute, I'll get  you some coffee.  It's a sad day when one human being can't even get a civil reply, much less a f**kng cup of coffee on a cold morning"   I was angry at the way she treated him, it was obvious to me she hadn't missed too many meals, or had to ask for someone to get her a cup of coffee.  I'm no Twiggy, but damn,  I don't flaunt that I have something that someone else doesn't.  I don't have a lot of money, but I share when I can.  She was flat out rude to him, maybe homeless people bother her, maybe it takes away from her talk on the phone time, or try to look busy when one really isn't, time.  I don't know, what her problem was, but apparently the days of kindness and customer service have gone the way of the Edsel. 
      We bought him and his friend each a dollar sandwich and coffee, they thanked us profusely, and we went on our way this morning knowing at least a couple of guys didn't have to start their day with their stomachs growling.
       I intend to contact McDonald's also, I think they should know that they have the wicked witch of the west working in one of their food joints.  I ache for those with less than me, I don't have a lot, but I do have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in each night.  I don't go hungry, I don't fear for my life each night, and I don't wonder what the hell happened that I worked most of my life and here I am pushing the last of my belongings around in a shopping cart.  Why can't we fix this problem?  Why are there families out there with no where to go?  I see empty buildings all over the place, why will no one step up and say here, here is a place for you until you get on your feet.  Oh politics, yeah, yeah.........sigh, I know, but what about goodness and compassion?  Where did they go?

Early Morning........

         If you weren't up early this morning, this is part of the show that you missed, it was quite lovely.   Early mornings are my favorite part of the day because they belong to just me.  I can go out in the garage, where my quilling supplies are, and step into a cozy, separate other world where no one disturbs me.  No tv blaring, no one demanding something from me, or asking me to do something for them; it gives me time to refresh and revive before anyone else gets up. 
         I sometimes hate being myself, I sometimes feel like salt water taffy, being pulled in half a dozen directions simultaneously.  I hate feeling like the only one that gets anything done, I hate being the motivating force for everything....if I'm not right on top of things, nothing gets done.  Is it that no one wants the responsibility?  Is it that they're just too damn lazy to get up and do for themselves?  Is it that I have made them dependent upon me and now the bill has come due?  I have done that, somewhere back in the past, I guess it seemed to be a good idea.  Now that it's that way all the time, I am hating the whole concept. I'm older and more tired, and feel so much like something is missing from my life.  I think my quilling is about the only thing these days keeping me anchored.  Have you seen it?

        It gives me such pleasure and I'm so glad that years back I made the decision to walk down this path.  I know somewhere out there is a niche for me, all I need to do is find someone that loves it as much as me. 

          Well, as  I am often aught to say,  either get busy livin', or get busy dyin'.  Our lives are what we make them, so only I can change what goes on with me.  Time to start saying no once in a while.  I can't be everything, I can just be me.

I'm wondering why.........

      I find myself in awe of the level of stupidity that advertisers try to shovel down our throats each and every day.  What triggered this slap to the face for the day is the Pizza Hut commercial for the ten dollar meal deal that is only ten bucks........at what point in time did ten dollars and ten bucks become two separate entities?  I do my best to mute all commercials, but every once in a while, someone else has the remote and I have to listen to the crap.  I can figure most things out, but this one is a total stumper to me.  How can they embarrass themselves that much.  Now mind you, I LIKE Pizza Hut pizza and patronize them when we're able to afford it, but they're pushing all the wrong buttons for me with this one. 
    The next one on my list is that horrific cereal commercial, I'm thinking it's Cinnamon Toast Squares.  It has a square of cereal sitting on the edge of a bowl, extending it's tongue out into the bowl of milk.  It 'catches' a square of cereal and eats it.  If I were a small child, this would absolutely terrify me.  If I came out into my kitchen and saw that box on my table, I'd run screaming as far and as fast away from that scary thing as I could.......
     Do the people that make these things really believe that we're breaking our legs to run out and buy a ten dollar/buck meals and/or cannibalistic cereal squares?  Is it possible that we have sunk so low or have just become so apathetic, that inane has become the soup of the day, so to speak? Does this bother anyone else? 
     We bought a bottle of garlic powder a few days ago, standard size bottle, maybe four or five inches tall, opened it up and it was barely filled to the halfway mark.  I emailed the company, basically asking how they had the nerve to do that.   This was their reply:                     


"We sell all our products by weight (as noted on the bottle). To keep our costs low and deliver them to the consumer, we use a standard jar size for ALL of our products. Therefore, those spices with low
bulk density (i.e. Basil leaves, Italian seasoning, Oregano) require more
room to make the fill weight. Those that are heavier will only fill the same
jar partially, giving the appearance of a "low fill". This is also to have a
uniform jar size and appearance on the store shelves"

      So there, you dumb shit, we don't care about the environment, the senselessness of using a bottle that is less than half full, (or is it half empty?)  As long as it looks good on the shelves, what the hell?  Maybe my lack of sleep it finally catching up with me, maybe this is a lot of ado about nothing, but it is just one of those nights that the small shit bothers me.......
      I have no answers, I'm feeling that 'what can one person do' feeling creeping into my brain, so maybe it's time for bed.  If I manage four hours it's a good night.  Somewhere along the line my body says four hours is enough.  Sigh.......

The act of patronization.......

Patronize:           to act in an offensively superior manner toward   

This "act" is number one on my list of how NOT to treat me.  I believe myself to be a relatively intelligent person and abhor being treated like I am stupid.  My daughter and I had a bit of a confrontation yesterday and I walked out, angry and refusing to discuss what happened any further with her.  I stewed about it most of the day, because it bothered me on so many levels.  Early this morning I checked my emails and there was a comment from a kind person about one of my blogs.  I came in here and thanked them for their kind words and went through a few other of my blogs.  To make a long explanation short, I need to practice what I preach.  Life is way too short to spend it angry, and, should something happen, the last time you spend with anyone should not be an angry time. 

I grew up afraid of my father, he was an angry man, and I just assumed he was angry with me.  I somehow came to the conclusion that if I had been born a boy, things would have been better between us.  I tried my best, I worked hard at being that boy, but it was never good enough.  I understand now why he was so unhappy, I made sure of that, before he passed away, that things between us were peaceful.  It was a purely selfish motive on my part, and I honestly can't say that he died with any less pain in his heart about our relationship, but I tried. 

So I will call my daughter today, whatever happened yesterday is now dust in the wind.  She will hopefully learn from the gift I lay before her, for anytime one learns to be a better person, it is a gift.  I don't want to be like my father, I don't want to live estranged from my family because I don't know how to swallow my pride and extend my hand in love.  We don't know how long we will be here, and it behooves us to appreciate our lives each and every day. 

RIP

       I guess it really is true, money doesn't buy happiness.  Whitney Houston passed a few days ago, taking one of the loveliest voices to grace our airways with her.  I don't have any tapes, cds, or dvds of hers, I wasn't an avid follower, but it doesn't make the axiom any less true.  From where I sit, she seemed to "have it all" and yet, apparently, the one thing she didn't have was happiness.
      So, what does that tell us;  or me, as the case may be.  No mansions and jets, no diamonds and jewels dripping off of me, no chauffeur waiting outside, or bodyguards at my beck and call.  Instead, each day is a challenge, as to how to get through.  It's a roller coaster ride of laughter and tears, battles won and lost and highs and lows as we careen around the curves life gives us. 
       "A mother lost a daughter, and a daughter lost a mother"  I have to wonder how many times a day this happens, all over the world.  Just because you have the voice of an angel, are you missed any more or less?  It hurts like the devil, regardless of fame and/or fortune.  My heart goes out to mother and daughter alike, I've lost both a mother and a child, and there are far too many who have experienced the same devastating drama.  The sense of loss is just as heartbreaking, rich or poor doesn't affect the outcome, we all grieve in our own way. 
         Rest in peace, lovely lady; you will be missed, but keep your perception wide focused.  Too many parents and children awake each day with the weight of personal loss on their hearts.  Love each other while we are here, don't waste any of your day being angry or spiteful.  Our last moment spent with one another should not be one we regret, or wish we could change.  Life is fleeting.......

Retrospect

     Did anyone watch NCIS last night?  I like the program most of the time, have been known to watch the reruns when they do the marathons, but last night really bothered me.  I ended up hitting mute and coming over here to the computer to do anything that would take my eyes away from the tv screen.  He, Gibbs, got to talk to the dead last night and I have to say I just hate those kind of shows.  NCIS writers certainly aren't the first to build a story around this concept, but it was especially irritating to me last night. 
      It may be my emotions are a little more raw these days as we just recently found out my daughter has cancer.  We are still waiting on the results as to what kind and what stage it is at, but I'm having difficulty dealing with all this.  I've lost my other child already, well, he was 28, hardly a child, but to me age wasn't the issue.  I've lost my mom, if you follow my blogs, you know this already too.  I understand on an intellectual level that this is how it works for most of us; as we age, we begin to lose our friends and family.  What chips at my heart is that we aren't supposed to outlive our children.  At least, that's what I thought, there are hundreds of thousands of us out here that know that's not how it works.  Wars, drugs, accidents, arguments, craziness with a gun in their hand; all this and more contribute to the family members left behind.  You see them on the news, eyes glazed, a piece of their hearts turned to dust as the realization sets in.
     I know I should end this in an upbeat manner, but I'm just not feeling that yet.  Whatever the news is, and it will likely come today sometime, I am still reeling from the initial shock of the whole situation.  The NCIS program brought a lot of feelings to the surface last night, anger, I think first and foremost, because it's just not true, at least for me.  I didn't get to tell my son and my mom good bye, both of them were gone too soon. 
      I can only tell you to appreciate each day, even if it's a lousy one, and remember to stop and smell the roses each and everyday.  It's a bit of advice my mom used to give me and I could have done a better job at it.  Retrospect is certainly 20/20. 

Organized.......NOT!

      I scramble through this ever present stack of notes in front of me, shaking my head and wondering why I ever thought this kind of 'system' would work!  Write it down and leave it lay amonst the plethora of other little notes given the same fate.  I'm looking for a particular piece of paper that I am having a battle in my head about.  'I hope I find it/I hope I don't find it' kind of struggle rages in my brain.  It is a phone nimber, I'm seeking, for the doctor that just recently informed me that my daughter has cancer. 
    I lapse into a vacuum of sorts, surrounded by a myriad of thoughts.  I only gave birth to two children, I have two other boys I raised that call me 'mom', and I love them as my own.  My son was killed in a car accident 18 years ago, so now I wonder, will I outlive both of my babies.  It just feels so wrong somehow, as much as I miss my  mom, that is how things are supposed to occur.  You grow up, your parents age, and sadly, somewhere along the way, they pass. 
     There is still much to be learned about my daughter and her condition.  We don't know more than we know, although what we do know is devastating to all.  My intelligent side knows they have made great strides in the treatment of cancer, people are living longer and cures are constantly being researched and discovered.  My emotional side is still reeling; I can't help but think odd things like what the hell did I do wrong to get all this crap dumped in my lap?  That's how low I can sink when I'm handed news I don't want to get.  It isn't about me at all, so I need to shake that nonsense off and follow with my favorite quote from The Shawshank Redemption:
GET BUSY LIVIN' OR GET BUSY DYING.
      As Bill told her you have cancer, cancer doesn't have you, unless you give in to it.  He knows of what he speaks, having been through the diagnosis, surgery and radiation treatment himself.  The death knell tolls only if you refuse to get busy living and fill your head with thoughts of living and what life has to offer. 
       So I have now managed to locate that elusive piece of paper, and as soon as it's a resonable time of day, I will call and ask my questions about treatments, options, prognosis, etc.  I will make it through this and stay in the wonder of what tomorrow will bring.

Rain

The rain  comes down
We run with glee...
Splashing, laughing
feeling so free.

Child & Mother
equal in age,
for that brief time
A storybook page.

The crystalline drops
fly to and fro.
We reach to the sky
then to earth below.

A memory captured
Childhood redone,
Moments so fleeting
Treasured as one.

Beauty

     I'm pretty sure that this morning is the first time in my life I have ever awakened to snow outside my windows.  It is an incredibly beautiful sight, when I first looked out early this a.m. nothing had sullied the panorama I beheld.  White bedecked the trees and bushes along the tips, creating such a delight to my eyes.  No tire tracks or footprints, just a sea of crystalline beauty.

    

      The weather predictors told us this was coming.  I made sure we went to the store yesterday for whatever we might need.  As lovely as this is, I don't particularly want to be driving in it.  We don't have chains or snow tires, so we'll be staying in for a while today.  Good day to devote to chores that need our attention.  Good day for baking, or making a pot of soup.  Our wood stove will be busy today too, keeping us snug and comfy. 
     
       I try to wake each morning with a fresh and positive look on life, this view gave me a new reason to smile.  I wish it could be so for everyone, but I know that won't be the case for a myriad of reasons.  Hope springs eternal that some day each and everyone of us awakes with love in our hearts, a positive outlook and wishes that come true.

    

Quilling

Quilling, is, for me
a great opportunity
to let my mind run free
allow all 'stuff' to be.

Quilling is my time
a moment so sublime.
High hopes do climb
I can make this all rhyme!

Quilling fills my heart,
takes me worlds apart
creating is a start
of a beautiful art.

Quilling keeps me sane,
laziness is my bane.
Let flowers ease the pain,
and desire never wane.

Poetry & Trees

Joyce Kilmer. 1886–1918

Trees

I THINK that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,	5
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.	10
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree I wish I'd of written this, it has been one of my absolute favorites since childhood.  I'm 61 so that's quite a bit of time.  I live in the Northwest now, where seasons actually change and there are so many amazing sights to see.  Each season has it's own speciality, but Fall and Winter for me put on a display that boggles the mind.  Fall brings the color show, oranges, reds, golds and greens to delight one's eyes.  As the leaves drop to the ground, a carpet of color is spread across the landscape, delighting small children as they are tossed overhead into the gentle winds.  As you look up, the structure of the trees is visible, epitomizing strength and form that fills my heart with joy. This is one of my favorite trees, it is unique to the surrounding varieties of trees that stand guard over the Columbia River Gorge highway.  Up close the growth takes on a  lace-like appearance that isn't readily apparent from a distance.  Covered with leaves, it's the perfect place to seek shelter from the heat of summer and excellent for hide-and-seek!  I could spend hours there, were I a child again; my imagination leaps into overdrive just looking at the picture!  There are dragons to be slain and unicorns to shelter from the evils of the world.  Perhaps part of me has never grown up and this tree, as Kilmer' poem, inspire that curious and imaginative little person to peek out between the branches.  I am thankful that part of me still exists, she occasionally gets lost in the responsibilities of life; when one forgets what is important.  Life, family, friends and a secret place to hide when there seems no where else to turn.  Live well, laugh often.........

A Better Place

      This makes me think of Heaven, that last look at earth before we step out of our bodies and go to wherever one goes.  I use the term heaven for lack of a better one, I want it to be a beautiful place that frees us from the stress and rat race mentality that locks us to this planet.  I want it to be a place where no unkind words are spoken, where abuse does not exist.  If it's not, well, what's the purpose of all this madness, anyway, where money is our God and people treat one another as steps to use to get what 'they' want.  Not everyone, certainly, but if there's even just one, isn't that one too many?    I have to stop and take a look at my own life and ask, am I that one?  As I age, I learn the true meaning of life, as least in my world, is to be blessed enough to surround yourself with friends and family that love you.  This goodness is worth more than all the gold and silver in the universe.  Friends and family will get you through all the tough times.  They alleviate the need to constantly 'prove' your worth, for to them you are worthy of everything, as they are to you. 

     I call these cloud feathers, they appear in our skies above the starkness of the tree silouettes that await spring and new growth.  We must not wait ourselves, each and every day is an opportunity to grow and change, let us not waste that gift.  Let love be the opportunity taken that propels our hearts and minds towards kindness, compassion and acceptance for everyone; wouldn't the world be a better place?  I know mine would.......